Bad Dads and Embarrassing Moms
Please, please don't hit on your tour guide
Last summer, my son and I went to an info session about college athletic recruiting, hosted by the summer soccer league he was playing for at the time and one of our local colleges. We arrived early, as per usual, given that am a person who is aggressively punctual but still somehow managed to give birth to the one human who wants to be even earlier to EVERYTHING than I do (We drive my husband a little crazy, I fear). When we entered a small auditorium there were plenty of open seats. I sat down and then watched with surprise as my son kept walking, eventually claiming a set a few rows up from me.
I would later discover that he was worried that I might embarrass him, especially if they started talking about anything related to college admissions or financial aid that I disagreed with.
(They did, but I didn’t say anything, I do have *some* self-control)
In all honesty, I was actually a little embarrassed that my kid wouldn’t sit with me, but I also understand that to be 15 is to sometimes find your parents to be inherently mortifying (even if they’ve done nothing wrong, MILES).
I also know, from much first hand experience, that my son isn’t wrong in worrying that parents can be embarrassing during the college search process. I mean, he’s wrong about *me*, but in general? Sometimes parents are embarrassing.
I’m in an interesting stage of both parenting life and professional life at the moment. I’ve been working in higher education for almost 25 years now and I'm finally confident enough to say that, yeah, actually I am kind of an expert on this stuff.
(Gotta throw in that “kind of” because I’m a midwestern woman and heaven forbid I brag)
I’m also now navigating the early stages of the admissions process with my son and spending a lot of time with other parents navigating the process. The whole genesis of this Substack actually comes from seeing how stressed and anxious so many parents are and my hope that maybe I could help make it a little easier for the folks out there who just want to do right by their kids in this process.
Often, I spent time talking about what parents should be doing as they help their kids navigate college search process. Today, however, we’re going to talk about what NOT to do, specifically during campus visits and tours.
In the course of my career, which started in admissions and has spanned four states and six colleges (small privates, flagship RI, community college), I’ve worked with thousands of parents. The majority of parents are just fine - maybe a little anxious, sometimes very kind (I still remember with fondness the group of moms who made snack boxes for admissions reps who visited their kids’ high school during peak recruitment season), but mostly usually pretty forgettable.
Being a forgettable parent is not a bad thing, because most of the ones I do remember now are memorable for all of the wrong reasons.
Now, a caveat before sharing about some of the more memorable (in a bad way) parents/parent types I’ve encountered during tours, info sessions, presentations, orientations and 1:1 meetings over the years: I’ve never, ever held a parent’s behavior against a kid when it came to making an admissions or scholarship awarding decision and I truly believe that my colleagues didn’t either. We get that kids can’t control their parents.
But, man, sometimes these kinds of parents made things awkward for everyone.
The Humble Bragger
During most campus visits or college info sessions, an admissions rep will usually go through their presentation and then open up the floor for questions. This is often where things can start to go sideways, parent wise. While a good admissions rep is trained to not let it show, we’ve all encountered and been a little eye-rolly at the parent whose hand immediately flies up during the Q&A so that they can ask a question that isn’t actually a question but is, instead, a chance for them to try to brag about their kid. This often took the form of questions like “So, my daughter Hortense has straight A’s, took 37 AP classes, started her own Alpaca rescue, and plays the bassoon at a professional level. Which dorm do you think would be the best for her?”
These parents mean well (I assume) but I promise you there is no need for this. Their application will speak for its self and it definitely isn’t going to help with any admissions or scholarships decisions.
The Over-Sharer
I’ll never forget, though I’d like to, the mother who stood in up in room of about 50 parents and high schooler and said “My daughter lost 25 pounds last year and she’s worried about gaining it back, so are there low calorie food options at the student union or is the freshman 15 just a given?”
She is rivaled only by the mom who shared during a new student orientation session that her daughter was “so excited about picking classes, she couldn’t stop pooping this morning! She does have IBS, but this wasn’t that kind of pooping!”
Cue instant mortification for her daughter.
The Creepy Dad
I feel like it should be obvious but it’s never okay to ask a student tour guide for their phone number! Even if they claim it is so their kid can text them follow up questions after the tour, it is inherently creepy when a grown up man asks a 19 year old for her phone number. Also creepy: overtly oogling students while walking on the tour, “jokingly” asking to be invited a campus/sorority party, and 99% of things that dads say about cheerleaders.
The “This is a 7 Part Question” Asker
Q&A sessions are sometimes not long enough for every parent to ask every question they have on their list (and honestly 75% of questions can usually be answered by the website). Nobody, especially the other parents who also have questions, likes it when one parent asks a detailed multiple part question, especially if that question is super specific for just their kid. Ask one question and give everyone else a chance to ask one too. Save the really specific questions for an email.
The Overly Proud Alum
Having a parent who was an alumni on a tour can be fun, but can also be annoying when they won’t stop commenting on everything that has changed since they attended or, worse, keep jumping into answer questions from other parents but answering incorrectly.
The Asshole
They are rare, but every so often a parent would show up for a tour or info session who is just, for whatever reason, determined to make the whole process an adversarial experience. They complain about the cost of tuition, they complain about how liberal they imagine the professors to be, the tour is too hot, the other school they visited was better… it’s bad enough when they do grump their way through a meeting with an admissions counselor, but it’s deeply unpleasant when they give all that attitude to a student tour guide who is just trying to do their job.
Somewhat related to the asshole parent are the conflict parent who spend the entire tour bickering with each other and/or fighting with their kid… not fun for anyone involved or witnessing.
The One Who Keeps Asking Questions That We Can’t (or Sometimes Won’t) Answer
I’ve always hated the expression “there are no dumb questions” because sometimes that really isn’t true, especially when parents ask questions that their student tour guide or admissions rep simply can’t (or won’t) answer.
The “can’t answer” questions are ones like:
Why should my kid chose your school and not school X? I mean…I don’t know? I just met your kid, maybe school X would be better for them!
Will they get admitted/get a scholarship/qualify for financial aid? Maybe! And we can sometimes make good educated guesses, but without an actual application to look at or financial aid on file, it’s just a guess.
How many students will you admit from my kid’s high school/state? Who knows? There isn’t usually a quota about that and if there was it would be something likely added to the “questions we won’t answer” section!
The won’t answer questions are ones where the admissions person or tour guide probably does know the answer to but definitely aren’t supposed to answer like: which dorm/residence hall is the best, is this a party school, which fraternity/sorority is the best/worst, is the dining hall food bad, which professors should they avoid. We probably have an opinion about all of those things but are trained not to answer questions that acknowledge things like partying or bad faculty or that are only based on our own preferences.
The good news for my son is that I’m 99% sure I can avoid being *that* parent in this process, though I might have to watch myself on the seven part question department!